Afraid of Freedom

   It's come down to being absolutely broken. I'm broken and I'm lost. I can't continue living in this constant, vicious cycle. First is fear, then a small breakthrough, then guilt, then more fear. It's an awful way of living, and I can tell it's breaking God's heart.
   As much as I want to be free, God wants me to be free even more. He loves me more than I could even imagine. I know He knows what I want. He understands why I'm afraid to live freely. He is my comfort, so to Him I shall bring my worries.
   God, You are what I need. You are all I need. Only You can free me from this bondage. Today, I want so dearly to be free. I want to be known for being ever so dependent on You, Lord. Please come in to my life and take over. I want every little decision I make to be whole-heartedly made through You. I want to live solely on Your promises and grace.
   You are my salvation. You are the rock on which I stand. You are my hope. You are the one that can save me. I'm in a desperate place, God. Come and rescue me, please.
   I know You want it for me. I know it's what I need, but I can't help but be intimidated by the freedom. I've always been trapped in this illness. I don't know what being "free" will be like. It strikes me with fear. I coward in all my worry, and I need You.
   I want You, God, to help me abandon my fears. I want to abandon my fears and live a life for You. You are my heart's desire. I adore You, my Savior.
   Falling into my old habits is so easy and quite tempting. I've had small relapses here and there many, many times. I'm sick of it! Satan, you're in hell, and you can't control me. I can laugh in your face, because I know you're just jealous of what I have in Christ. You're furious because I love Jesus so much. I know you want me to be singing praises to you, but it will never ever happen! Only my God in heaven is worthy to be praised! You are nothing but a liar and a thief!
   Through my Savior I can defeat the enemy's lies. With God I am victorious! The devil is trying to get us discouraged. He wants us to think we've lost, but it's not true! We have a great, great reward waiting for us in heaven. When we're finished here and entering the gates of heaven, all these current hardships will seem unimportant. We just need to keep our eyes on Jesus.
   I've been dreaming about the day I meet Jesus, face to face, ever since I can remember. I've flipped through old journals. Inside them I find the drawings of a four-year-old girl who loves Jesus with her entire heart. I've always been homesick.
   Jesus has always been my true Love. He knows all my secrets and all my fears. Deep inside me I know that I can trust Him with everything, yet I continue to live in fear. I'm afraid of being free, because I don't feel ready to give up controlling things. I need to give God control. I know He's promised me these things, and I really have no valid reason to be scared.
   He has spoken to me many times. He's given me more confirmation than I could possibly need, but I keep relapsing. I don't understand why I'm like this. I'm beyond terrified of being reckless. God, please help me be reckless. Help me see that you're for me and not against me. I'm Yours and You're mine. I love You, Jesus.

    -The Introverted Evangelist

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Faith That He is Near Always

   One, of many things, for which I am very  grateful, is that the Lord is always near me. He is never far away. I can call on Him through prayer, and He will always listen. He genuinely cares for what I am worried about. No prayer is too small or unimportant, because we are God's children and He loves us all.    Call upon the Lord in times of need, and in times of joyfulness. He wants to commune with us. He desires our yearning for His presence. When we're longing for that "something more" He is the One that can satisfy. He is gentle and loving. He wants to be with you more than you can even imagine.    "The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth." ( Psalm 145:18 ) It pleases Him when we reach out to Him in desperation. Because He is The Creator of all things that exist, when He is our passionate desire, When He is the One thing we need , that's when we are complete. That is when we have peace, joy, and abundant life.
Read more

Mary Magdalene's Story

   Today is a day to rejoice, for He is risen! I wanted to share with you today's sermon by Pastor Robert Morris of Gateway Church . This message was truly incredible! I am so blessed to go to this church! Pastor Robert has a real gift for hearing the Lord, and I'm more than thankful that he shares it with thousands and thousands of people. I hope this message touches you the way it touched me. It is about the very first evangelist, Mary Magdalene. Here it is: http://gatewaypeople.com/sermons/157061    God bless each and every one of you!    - The Introverted Evangelist
Read more

I Loved You at Your Darkest

Image
I Loved You at Your Darkest: "While he was still speaking, a bright cloud enveloped them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!” When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified. But Jesus came and touched them. “Get up,” he said. “Don't be afraid.” When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus." (Matthew 17:5-8) In the first few verses of Matthew chapter seventeen, Jesus led Peter, James, and John up to a mountain top. It was just the four of them, or so the disciples thought. Whilst they were walking Jesus was "transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became white as light." (Matthew 17:2) Today, this passage is really speaking to me. I feel like the Lord is using this passage as a reminder that sometimes we must fall "facedown on the ground" in complete awe of His glory and surrender to His mysterious yet miraculous ways. A
Read more