Sunday, June 23, 2013

Afraid of Freedom

   It's come down to being absolutely broken. I'm broken and I'm lost. I can't continue living in this constant, vicious cycle. First is fear, then a small breakthrough, then guilt, then more fear. It's an awful way of living, and I can tell it's breaking God's heart.
   As much as I want to be free, God wants me to be free even more. He loves me more than I could even imagine. I know He knows what I want. He understands why I'm afraid to live freely. He is my comfort, so to Him I shall bring my worries.
   God, You are what I need. You are all I need. Only You can free me from this bondage. Today, I want so dearly to be free. I want to be known for being ever so dependent on You, Lord. Please come in to my life and take over. I want every little decision I make to be whole-heartedly made through You. I want to live solely on Your promises and grace.
   You are my salvation. You are the rock on which I stand. You are my hope. You are the one that can save me. I'm in a desperate place, God. Come and rescue me, please.
   I know You want it for me. I know it's what I need, but I can't help but be intimidated by the freedom. I've always been trapped in this illness. I don't know what being "free" will be like. It strikes me with fear. I coward in all my worry, and I need You.
   I want You, God, to help me abandon my fears. I want to abandon my fears and live a life for You. You are my heart's desire. I adore You, my Savior.
   Falling into my old habits is so easy and quite tempting. I've had small relapses here and there many, many times. I'm sick of it! Satan, you're in hell, and you can't control me. I can laugh in your face, because I know you're just jealous of what I have in Christ. You're furious because I love Jesus so much. I know you want me to be singing praises to you, but it will never ever happen! Only my God in heaven is worthy to be praised! You are nothing but a liar and a thief!
   Through my Savior I can defeat the enemy's lies. With God I am victorious! The devil is trying to get us discouraged. He wants us to think we've lost, but it's not true! We have a great, great reward waiting for us in heaven. When we're finished here and entering the gates of heaven, all these current hardships will seem unimportant. We just need to keep our eyes on Jesus.
   I've been dreaming about the day I meet Jesus, face to face, ever since I can remember. I've flipped through old journals. Inside them I find the drawings of a four-year-old girl who loves Jesus with her entire heart. I've always been homesick.
   Jesus has always been my true Love. He knows all my secrets and all my fears. Deep inside me I know that I can trust Him with everything, yet I continue to live in fear. I'm afraid of being free, because I don't feel ready to give up controlling things. I need to give God control. I know He's promised me these things, and I really have no valid reason to be scared.
   He has spoken to me many times. He's given me more confirmation than I could possibly need, but I keep relapsing. I don't understand why I'm like this. I'm beyond terrified of being reckless. God, please help me be reckless. Help me see that you're for me and not against me. I'm Yours and You're mine. I love You, Jesus.

   -The Introverted Evangelist

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